understanding depression

Okay…

so this blog post is a tough one for me to write. its about overcoming and living with depression. don’t read , do read i don’t care its more for me than you.

I wasn’t always depressed. I had a fairly great childhood. i mean there were bad times but i had a good family around me and lovely friends to help out when things got bad, and that’s what matters.

I left school after 6th class and from then i stayed at home , with my mother and brother and sister. we lived in the middle of the shticks in the beautiful country side but it was very secluded, we were lucky enough to have a fairly strong community though, there were other kids living on my road but when they started to go to secondary school and make new friends it was sometimes hard. i didnt have that. I never got the opportunity to make new friends until i moved to galway when i was 18.

im not complaining about the situation though because it was mostly my own choice and i would still do it all the same if given the opportunity i am just giving a bit of context.

If i wanted to see people i knew or go out it would involve a lot of effort, organizing lifts, places to stay and such. it became very easy to not be involved in social gatherings.

and then one day i decided i was going to electric picnic 09, i had just turned 18, and gotten a nice amount of money from my dole back pay so i said fuck and packed my bags and headed to the festival. I was pure innocent even then at 18 i didnt know drugs existed really, well besides from weed, and the bad stuff that i saw in movies … so when im sure all the people i met there were on drugs i wasnt , and stayed sober because i knew nothing more .

after the festival i hitch hiked back to galway because i had a few friends who had recently gotten a house there and i stayed with them for a few days to recuperate myself , my mind was blown , i had submerged myself in a massive pool of socializing … surrounded myself with thousands of people .

and i was hooked.

i stayed in galway for five days and by the end of that week i had gotten the last of my dole back pay and put a deposit down on a house with a girl id known for a few years. and was living in this house for 2 days before i had the sense to even ring home and tell my family i had moved into my first rented property and id be home soon to collect my things.

and thats where the partying started. every day was a crazy new adventure, i made hundreds of friends and was taking drugs and drinking every night. i started taking head store drugs and would take a gram a night easily and not sleep for days on end .i was on a roll.

i loved how the drugs made me so friendly and sociable . every body was my friend ! we all shared secrets and drama. and thats the way it was for months, but it did start to get bad for me , i found myself taking drugs to go to the shop or when i was out for coffee with friends so i could chat with them . i spent more time in bathroom stalls taking drugs than i did anything else.

all good things have to come to an end though and one day when i was doing out lines of speed i remember somebody passing a remark to me that i was like ” the girl who would always have a random bag of uppers no matter the situation ” that was almost 5 years ago and it still sticks with me today. thats what i was. my personality was drugs. there wasnt a real me anymore. it was just a chemically concocted smile and powdered emotions. i wasnt real….

so i stopped.

i stopped taking pills, k, speed, mc, and md and acid and i hit the biggest low of my life. i really went about it the wrong i believe, because i thought i could continue with my party life style , going out every night i compensated the lack of drugs with alcohol and it got pretty bad for a good while. i would get very violent and scream and cry at people and punch people all the time and my hands were often cut up from punching walls and smashing things. i couldnt control my emotions because for the first time since id moved to the city i was completely overflowing with them and they were all my own. i didnt know me.

so i stopped drinking . not completely but i slowed right down and began to come to terms with the fact that i was being selfish and self destructive towards my self and my friends. who thank god still stuck around !

And then was weeds turn. all this time i was still smoking and getting stoned almost 24/7 and i didnt really pay any heed to it. or what it might have been doing to my brain while all this other stuff was going on in my life. and now , once the drugs and the drink were mostly gone getting stoned became something i had to take a serious step back from because i realized it just wasnt for me . id notice i would never be on the same buzz as all my friends , when we would smoke they would become cheerful happy people and i would fall deeper and deeper in to my self . thinking worse and worse things. and i had no idea where all these horrible thoughts were coming from. why was i still struggling with such fluttering emotions all the time. so on my 19 or 20th birthday i quit smoking weed. cold turkey and it was one of the easiest things i have ever done! i never ever craved it . it was just gone from my life and suddenly i was back to being chatting and fun.

i know a lot of people dont have a problem with weed and i didnt for years and years but for me i believe my brain had not had a chance to fully develop i never had the right social chances growing up and spent a lot of my youth smoking weed and not talking to any body. so when i moved to galway i probably should have given my mind and body a few months to come to terms with the fact that if i left my house there wasnt going to be trees and silence i was going to be right in the action people everywhere . something ive never ever been used to.

i remember at the height of my drugs/drinking/smoking i met a psychic sitting in the park ,who read my palm and did my tarot cards most of it was pretty neither here nor there. but she told me that within the next couple of years i was going to stop what i was doing and completely change my life style , that i wouldnt be taking drugs and wouldnt smoke weed again…. i thought it was complete bullshit…. but then again some of the other stuff she said came true aswell. and it was some pretty harsh shit so i dunno… weird….

so this kind of brings me to now. or the last 4 years i suppose. i had kind of gotten my life on track only drinking in moderation. still not smoking and taking drugs on the rarest of occasions and actualling considering what i was putting in my body before doing aswell.

i guess i could say i was on the ball and had copped on . but something still wasnt right. i was going out with my first proper boyfriend and after a year we moved into our first house together. and i started to fall into a dark place.at my worst i would stay up until it was bright outside on the computer or just staring into the corner of the room, i wouldnt get out bed , i would make him go to the shop and buy me food. and i also became severely addicted to painkillers, sometimes going through a box of nurofen plus in a day or two. after a while he stopped buying them for me . i would throw massive tantrums where i would cry myself blue until i couldnt breath or i felt like vomiting. i would go to sleep crying and wake up crying . i cut myself . and when i couldnt get my painkillers from him it meant i had to go into town and get them myself . it was such a horrible experience. every person i walked passed i thought was laughing at me about how i looked or that something was wrong with me. if i didnt have headphones in i would often not make it to the end of my street and i would walk home again . i had to remember in my head witch pharmacy i had gone to recently because some of them wouldnt sell me the painkillers anymore. if i went days with out painkillers the panic attacks would start. id walk down the street and i would hear every persons foot steps . it was like i was inside a hd tv and the wind was trying to drag me into the sky. id have maybe 3 or 4 of these a day. sometimes i would fall dizzy .

i knew i was in a bad place. i wanted to kill myself . if it wasnt for my closest friends and boyfriend i would have aswell. parts of what happened are hard for me to talk about or even remember because i hardly slept. and i also had this massive misconception that i had to keep up appearances so when i was able i would still go out and hang out with people and pretend i was completely fine.

im not going to talk about when i tried to kill myself . there are people who know about it and people that were there for me and got me through the hardest hours.

eventually i stopped taking the codeine and painkillers and became a bit better. i began getting out of bed in the mornings . and talking to my mates again. and i started to make lots of new friends and making plans for the first time in ages and i really thought my life was getting back on track, i would brush of all the shit stuff and hide it away because i didnt want it to ruin anything and for a good year i was at the top of my game and loving life . but i could feel myself slipping again … i had broken up with my boy friend a few times and gotten back together with him. i was lieing to him about cutting myself and this was upsetting him. so i started going to counseling…..

i was prescribed antidepressants and i moved into my own apartment on my own . the first few weeks of the pills were the roughest ….. i was completely fried out of it. i didnt know if i was coming or going and was very susceptible to almost any thing people would suggest. i remember the first two days were so bad my body was in so much agony from the side effects i couldnt move and lay there in my bed and had to get my ex to come and stay to help me go to the bathroom. but mostly it was nothing i hadnt handled before. and as the days went on things got easier. i continued to go to the counselling and talk about my issues . i didnt always tell the truth though. i was afraid they would lock me up and i feel guilty about that to this day.

as the months rolled by i became the happiest i have ever been in myself . i made major life choices , cut ties with toxic parts of my past , dealt with major problems i had been hiding for years, i met the best group of people from leitrim and expanded my friend circle. i was completely open with everybody i met, if there was something going on in my life i would tell everybody, i wanted people to like me for who i was and whatever i might have gone through or being dealing with. and i know a lot of people really dont agree with taking antidepressants but for me they really worked and made me understand for the first time that i was mentally ill and had needed proper help for a long time. they made me know that the people around will help you if you let them in. and if they dont they aren’t true friends and you didnt need them .

i was on the anti depressants for maybe 9 months and in that time a met somebody new and moved into his house with him, i got a dog and i thought things were going really well. so i did something stupid. i stopped taking my pills. and i went from the top to the bottom like a fucking super rocket ! but something was different this time. i knew how to handle it . i was able to control it because id gone to counseling and id spent almost a year being healthy in my mind i was powerful! i could make myself balance my emotions. and i learnt how to deal with them.

im going to skip a big part of the story because i could go on for days.

but it involved, getting hooked on painkillers again. being ill a lot of the time. cutting again. but coming through it mostly in one piece.

currently i am still depressed. i still suffer from horrible panic attacks. but ive come a long way. from not understanding what was happening to my mind and trying to kill it with fire 😛 to being careful about what sort of situations i get myself into with people , drugs and life in general. i know what i can and cant handle.

i am single . well mostly. because i dont think i could handle having somebody love me. i think you have to learn to love yourself before you let somebody else become part of your life . because i know i would just abuse that relationship i need to know i can do everything for myself . i have to be indipendant . i still accept a lot of help from my friends but there are some things i have to do on my own and sometimes i slip up and do stupid shit. but i know ive got the potential to become an amazing human being and every day i mesh and mold my self into something better and i try harder and harder to be happy and content in who i am.

and even on one of my bad days, when i dont want to look at anybody , when i sit in the corner of a room full of people and i dont want to talk to anybody . i still remember . that theres been worse and there will be BETTER !

im not writing this for pity. because ive had that . i been the pity whore. and that is just as bad as taking drugs. looking for pity is addictive. its horrible. and you sometimes dont even realize you are doing it until its too late. you go out and you know you arent in the right head space to be around people and you say horrible stuff about yourself so you can hear them say nice stuff back and its an addictive fucking looping game of self destruction.

dont rely on other people to tell you that you are a good/kind/hot/beautiful person.

dont look for love from others . get it from yourself . tell yourself you are beautiful and love yourself and go out and have a good fucking time .

so any way….. ive come a long way. and ive dealt with a lot of crazy shit. what i have written isnt even the half of it. a lot of stuff is going to go unsaid because it doesnt need to be rehashed.

im saying this to anybody right now who is depressed or feeling shit about themselves. you are your own person and you create what others see about you. make yourself happy . it works. you have to learn to understand what you can and cannot handle . just because all your friends might go out every night and take drugs does not mean that it will suit you.

just because your best friend seems to be the happiest person in the world does not mean that you have to be aswell. everything in moderation. test lifes boundaries but be careful and always care for your mind soul and body because you only get one. love it for what it is and nurture it until it blossoms into something you can be proud to be .

anyway im sorry if this seems like a really long stupid post . of ramblings and bullshit…

but i think its important to let these things go and talk about them.

and it might seem like there  was a lot of bad sutff… but that is because i am writing about the bad  stuff. but i guess it all only filled one blog post, if i was to write a post about all the good stuff i dont think id ever be able to stop typing, because mostly life is fucking awesome!!!!

xxxx

poppy

in two minds

you know when you wake up and you feel great. those days are such a pleasure , you start it in all the right ways, smile at people , laugh at all the funny things you see and go to sleep feeling pretty great about yourself.

now imagine not remembering the last time you had one of those days.

you wake up feeling okay. by mid afternoon you have had your first three panic attacks and avoided looking six people in the eyes, made ten different excuses as to why you dont have to leave the house.  you go to text a friend to tell them you arent feeling great and are a little bit worried about yourself. but then you decide against it because they probably have bigger problems to deal with, you are just being selfish anyway , you shouldn’t be moping about when theres kids starving in africa.

But what if it isn’t just moping about any more, you start to imagine different ways to disappear…. ” whats the easiest way to do ? what way can i do it so people wont know, how can i disappear with out hurting anybody”

eventually you decide you dont want to make anybody angry or hurt anybody so you keep on going, everyday the darkness getting worse, but you would rather hurt in silence than tell anybody because you dont want to worry anyone. what if they didnt take you serious.

even worse what if they did, and your life completely stopped, they would keep you at home and watch your every move, you wouldn’t be aloud out , what if people thought you were crazy and it goes on.

every now and again you might actually have a happy day, where everything goes so well, you were brave and got shit done, you feel accomplished. but it doesn’t last long.

sometimes you do things you see other people do , like you try to act like you are okay so you post inspirational quotes online, and you go out and go drinking, try and have a great time. but on the inside you are still full of black sludge.

there is so much uncertainty surrounding mental illness, what will happen to me if i tell somebody? where will i go? Will they make me stop work/college/going out? Will people talk about me behind my back , call me weak/drama queen/ attention seeker?

the list goes on , so you start to think how do avoid the pain but also avoid having to create a problem for people.

for me it kind of feels like somebody wrapped me up in barbed wire fencing and tied that to a big boulder and made me drag the boulder to the top of a really big hill, and every now and again they would dangle something i really love in front of me to get me motivated to keep dragging the boulder to the top and when i reach the very peak of the hill the boulder starts to roll back down again and drags me back down with it. and it starts all over again.

you want so badly for somebody to care and to know whats wrong and have all the answers straight away but without you ever having to tell them.

 

 

moving to the uk

moving from Ireland to the uk
As somebody who gave themselves 5 days to plan moving to a different country i thought id write a blog post on the things you need to do and have done before you move and after you get here. ive had a lot of people ask me what they will need and how hard it was to get stetted…
.Money. money is key. before you leave your job or sign off the dole make sure you have enough money to last you because the day you stop getting paid you are spending money you cant afford to loose. I left ireland with 150 euro. no correction.. i left Ireland with 70 euro, because i missed my flight. and had to book another one with an hours notice.
note. change your euros to pounds s soon as you can and preferably before you fly to the uk. take bristol for example. you will need pounds as soon as you get here because you have to get a bus into the city and that costs 7 pounds. dont use the airport currency exchange. they will fleece you for everything you have. i got 19 pounds for 40 euro…
note. unless you have an income and a way of getting money dont be tempted to treat your moving abroad s a holiday i.e. going out every night and shopping and eating out you will burn through your cash and end up in trouble.
.Flights.I flew with airlingus because i didnt have a passport and you can fly with them using your dole card or any government issued document with your photo on it. but it isnt as heap as ryanair.
.Phone. the first thing you should do is get your phone unlocked . even before you leave Ireland if possible or have enough money on you to go to a shop and get a cheap pay as you go phone. EE does a phone for 5 pounds and ten pounds credit. one you have this you will be saving a lot of money on roaming charges and prospective employers will have a way of contacting you from day one. this also means your friends can get through to you and it wont cost both of you a lot of money to ring each other,
.Bank account. it is a good thing to think about getting an english bank account set up asap . for me it has been very difficult doing transactions with my ai account over here as even though there is an aib here they wont talk to me about my account because its an english branch and dont hold ties to the republic of ireland… bullshit but oh well. so try and sort out an account over here. try getting a credit union or something . it will be beneficial once you start getting wages.
National insurance number. you need to get one of these as soon as you possibly can ! as soon as you have a phone ring this number 03456000643 . you will be asked a few questions . including your full name , date of birth , nationality, if you have dual citizen ship, why you want a NI number (for work ) , how long you have been in the UK an your address. if like me you havent got an address of your own and are staying with friends or a partner they will ask you get to get a letter from them saying you are staying with them and a bill with their name on it. you will then be given a date for an interview there is a long waiting period , i am waiting over 4 weeks to get my interview for my number. you need this number to work legally and collect wages in the UK. but you may work for up to 12 weeks prier to your interview and your employer can get you a temporary number. you will also have to bring id , including passport and birth cert.
Housing. getting a house shouldn’t be too difficult if you have the money for it. having everything you need is important so maybe have all the documents inside a folder from day one , your passport, birthcert, old household references, a bank statement. there are lots of different ways of getting a house but if you havent got a lot of people to move in with try looking on gumtree , everyday there are new houses and rooms up for rent on there. and its also a really good place to find work as well.
a few things that a different in the UK.
Abortion is completely legal.
Off licences are open 24/7
Clubs stay open very late. some until 6 or 7 am.
the dole is 60 pounds a week but you get payed by weekly.

some more thoughts on bristol

No job yet.

Still have a small bit of money left . I think. I need to get an English phone so I can be contacted by friends and employers…

I have the urge to explore the UK before I get a job and can’t leave whenever i please.  I’m going to cardiff on the 1st for the Cardiff beatbox showcase to take photos , So that should be interesting.

Bristol is a pretty city , it keeps nature in it , i appreciate that.

my anxiety is  very high at the moment and im struggling to keep a hold of my mental well  being with a lot of stressful things going on and thus im not getting as much done as i would like.

I know i just have to start writing down all the things i need and have to do so i can start doing them bit by bit.

ive been getting extreme migraines almost every morning and its really taking it out of me. but on the plus side i havent gotten sick in over two weeks.

ive pretty much given up drinking because i see it as a wasteful point of spending at this current time.

blugh…. i dont know…

bristol. my first thoughts

I left ireland without much time to say goodbye to people and wasnt very organised, Every day that goes by i think of more things i should have brought with me. the people in bristol are really friendly and my love for english accents is being fed well over here. there is so many interesting humans everywhere doing their own thing and getting by.

Bristol is very hilly , so im getting used to that but its not that bad. the first two days here it was extremely hot and sunny . i went out on my first night after not sleeping and missing a flight and walking a lot, and i met two people from galway …. cant go anywhere with out meeting people from galway…

On saturday evening we went to bristols pride day , it was so much bigger than i had expected with thousands of people packed into this pretty little park with a few stages and lots of rainbows and glitter everywhere there was only laughter and smiles all day , a wonderful family friendly event that lead onto going out in some of bristols gay bars.

Im staying in an apartment with a wonderfully creative and nerdy couple and thier house mate . they are really friendly and helpful and made me feel right at home while i get used to the city . El the girl in the house took me to bedminster to go charity shopping yesterday and i had a great time even though it was raining we had nice chats and found some really cool stuff.

i went on a tinder date later that night and i didnt really know what to expect, the guy was nice 20 years old and really tall , he was in an open relationship as well so we just had a nice time i got two bottle s of blue moon and we went and sat in a graveyard for hours just chatting . it was nice.

ive been updating my art portfolio because when i get the chance im going to get the train out to bath and go around some of the studios there and see what they say..

on the whole im still just trying to get used to a new city and its people  , trying not to get lost and not spend too much money. ive not had any bad experiences yet.

I havent really had any time to miss people or home or my dog until today , i spent the day not doing anything and listening to ben howard and matt corby so i guess i was kind of fueling the emotions but i had a very tough time not feeling upset about missing people and feeling kind of alone here, not having anybody that knows my life story so nobody that i can relate to , no inside jokes . its tough. i miss the hugs you get from friends that are so heartfelt you dont want to let go. but im sure im going to make some nice new friends and ill be having a great time in no time.

for me and for you

This is dedicated to myself and a friend of mine and anybody going through a tough time.
“you only meet your “once in a lifetime friend” … Once in a lifetime”
*little rascals

I love you.
I care about you.
When this is all over I will still be here, and so will you .
I understand your pain.
You are important to me.
Don’t lose hope. People are beautiful.
I believe in you even though you might not.
You will be okay. I know it. Even if you don’t

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.” * Neil Gaiman

Changing your life is hard. You become so comfortable in what is familiar . Be it a place or a person. But change can be outstandingly fantastic for you. It creates a whole new time line for you . A different outlook on your life that you never had before. Change is good, Embrace it.

“Hearts will never be made practical until they are made unbreakable.”
*Tinman (Wizard of Oz)

I have experienced a lot of heart ache in my life. But not only the generic kind (if there is such a thing) but all kinds of heartbreak. The thing that makes me happiest in the world is other peoples joy . And it is a very selfish thing indeed, because human beings cannot just become happy because you will it that way. And for you to then become upset at the fact that you cannot change somebody’s outlook on the world is selfish. I think. It is a tough one. And it breaks my heart thinking about it, Because I do not fully understand it. And I never will probably. But I will never stop trying to make other peoples live happier, because I am selfish and like to be happy.

“The greatest pain that comes from love is loving someone you can never have.”
*Anonymous

I appreciate this quote because I think it applys to a lot of things in life. If you change your life or something makes it change for you sometimes you have to leave a lot of things you desire behind. If you build a life for yourself you are going to end up loving a lot of things and people because the things you love make you the happiest . And then when you have to leave you may not bring all these people, places and things with you. It is painful to let them go. But you have to remember that they will never stop existing. Just because they aren’t yours does not mean they have lost any value and maybe you have to understand that if they are truly glorious they need to be let go off and let be loved by many others so the world can see how beautiful they really are , it is once again a selfish thing to love. Because it is just desire, desire to own something that most of the time needs to be free. Love from afar . Remember fondly and move on. People , places and things.

“There is a time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go.”
*Tennessee Williams

Sometimes. When things get tough it is just time to hang up your coat and say ” enough is enough” … There is a lot to be said for fighting on and continuing to try and make your situation work , but I find that maybe some of the time you just have to go. Leave, don’t think about it too much. Don’t try and rationalize why you should stay because you will always come up with some reason of why it is easier to stick around, because it will be . And as humans we always choose the easier path. But in the long run it may not be the best path for you. Adventure is out there.

Your life is what you make it

“The monotony and solitude of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind.”
*Albert Einstein

Some people are born alone and that suits them, they are creative amazing people who have minds like trees. Ever growing and fractaling outwards . And this is beautiful. These people work best alone but become lonely as well. They are very special beings who crave love but when it is presented to them they are very cautious towards it because it has to be a very important kind of love to take them away from their creativeness and solitude . If you ever find one of these people and you wantot be a part of their lives don’t force them to do something they arent comfortable with. You have to nuture them , slow yourself to their pace. Feed their ideas with praise . And they will blossom and open up to you and you can grow together . There are no limits .
“Human behavior flows from three main sources: desire, emotion, and knowledge.”
*Plato

I believe there are two kinds of love . The first kind is real love … The kind of love a parent has for their child where as in they will give the child everything they own to see them happy. Cry for them and with them , and nuture them as they grow they build an unbreakable bond. And at a certain stage the child leaves. Both still love each other as much as ever but may not talk as often . But the parent understands that to love something fully you must let it go. And I think that saying is well applied in this example. The parent knows that they love the child to an extent that the child may leave and still be happy. And they will be happy in knowing this. But also sad but let it happen anyway.
Then there is the second kind of love . The kind of love where you want, need and desire something. You find a person to love and you enjoy every thing about them so immensely , they make you so happy that it hurts to be with out them because you don’t feel the same joy with any other human. This I find is the selfish kind of love and it is not real love but desire . Selfish desire to want something that makes you happy. And this kind of love only works if it is equal and flowing from both partys because only then can it balance out and you can live as one . Desiring the thing that makes you happy.
I think to really love somebody you must be completely comfortable in the fact they may not be a part of your life. It is a hard thing to do.
I’m sorry if a lot of this doesn’t make much sense , I haven’t really written it down before so I find it hard to portray in words how it is in my mind.

“I used to desire many, many things, but now I have just one desire, and that’s to get rid of all my other desires.”
*John Cleese

If you want happiness you will find it. You will not have to search far.
I have struggled to be truly happy a lot of the time because I get caught up in things that don’t matter. But when there are so many of these small things that don’t matter they sometimes create a barrier to happiness , a wall that seems to be something we cannot over come , but if you break down this wall and see it for what it really is , and that is a lot of small things that really don’t matter you can leave them behind and find joy. Because at the end of my life I don’t want o lay there and say I let the small things over come me and create something bigger that I could not see past. Happiness comes from within. You can find it in any moment if you only try. The mind is a powerful thing. It will run rampant if you let it but one true and honest thought can ground you and create something beautiful .

“We are as happy as we make up our minds to be.”
*Abraham Lincoln

Leaving the past behind you is a very good way to become happy , Do not dwell on the bad that has happened because you cannot change it as hard as you might try it is gone and done and will forever be but it makes you what you are and you should never hate it for that . Just let it be and let it go . Try to appreciate the mud as well as the lotus. The good and bad and let them create an environment you can grow in. Always keep moving forward and do not try to hold onto something from your past if it upsets you, why would you , just let it rest . Let go .

“Learn to let go. That is the key to happiness.”
*The Buddha

Try for a few weeks to just make other people happy. Do not think about yourself , Put all of your love into the lives of others , your friends , strangers anybody constantly think of how you can improve the lives of those around and see if your own happiness does not come with it.

“All happiness comes from the desire for others to be happy. All misery comes from the desire for oneself to be happy.”
*Shantideva

relinquam . non possum reuerti

i think

so ive moved out of galway.

after six years of wasting time in galway city ive moved on .  i really only want where i am now to be a pit stop on the road to a better more exciting life. a lot of people are asking me why i moved to the middle of nowhere from galway . and i dont really know what to say. i just want to grab galway in a big city encompassing hug and say “its not you its me ” because galway hasnt really changed … i have. but i dont think i have changed for the better. i think galway has made me worse. and thats why i moved i wanted to shock my system into action, go from partying , drinking and seeing thousands of people everyday to sitting in my quite calm wee village house with nobody but my own thoughts. but man this shit is really hard. if i thought i thought a lot when i was in galway with all the distractions in the world . i wasnt even a little bit prepared for how fast paced my mind would go when i got to some kind of moderate silence.

i think a lot. i think about what other people think of me . i think about the world , and how i fit into it, how i am perceived by others.

its nuts. like i try really hard to be myself .  . . but who am i . after a while i think i lost myself . i mean to a certain extent if you scrape away all the influences of other people there is a genuine core. the real me. but is anybody real because are we not all the multitude of what we want to be perceived as and what others put onto us. if enough people think you are a bad person even if you arent to begin with you end up that way in the end.

i think i spent far too long trying to fit in with people who werent like me. in one way i believe thats a good thing, trying to fit in can be good, you learn a lot about different people when you are trying to get to know what they like and dont like. and i think its fair to say everybody does it. for example when i was going out with one of my boyfriends he was really into spray painting so i took it up because thats what he was into . and playing nerdy card games as well. these are things i wouldnt have really gotten into if it werent for me wanting to share common interests with him. to make it easier to get along , but where do you cross the line from creating common interests to completely losing who you are and becoming what you think others will prefer.

i am a very anxious person, i dont deal well with confrontation . so a lot of the time i dont like to voice my opinions on a lot of subjects. i get angry very fast and cant really control what i say. so in the fear of showing people who i really am, i generally tend to stand on the side lines in a lot of conversations because im afraid that people wont like me if i get angry. it takes a lot for me to stay calm and collected so i think i come across pretty often as reserved and a bit of a bitch.

i think i come across as a bit of an idiot some times as well. and i try really hard not but i get extremely awkward in a lot of situations , i think far too much , so when im sitting in a room and things have gone quite for some reason or people are being grumpy or hungover i try to make jokes and say silly things to make people laugh .

most of the time i need a lot of people opinions on situations because i cant handle a lot of stuff in my own head, its kind of like going swimming, you like go to the beach and your just paddling around minding your own when all of a sudden you look up and to your dismay there’s no land anywhere . and for a while you take it in your stride, you just keep swimming and you think you have the hang of it but then you get really tired and as soon as you start to get tired the water starts getting really choppy and these massive waves start pushing you under and you think you might as well give up and you go under the water and then you realize you can breathe under water and everything’s okay again and you could definitely get used to a life under the sea but then a massive whale comes along and swallows you whole and you spend the rest of your days living in his belly contemplating where it all went wrong…. thats what its like in side my head when i have a problem . i cant find an easy way out. and it just keeps getting worse so i end up freaking out.

i find it hard to decide when to reach out to people and who to reach out to . i don’t want to be that annoying friend who cant control her shit half the time and people end up avoiding my phone calls because ive become more of a downer than fun to be around. so a lot of the time i pretend that things a generally okay most of the time when im around people , and they mostly are because i love being around people. theres a select group of people in my life that make me happy. and i try to surround my self with them. i find it crazy how one person can walk into a room and instantly with a smile drag you out of the deepest darkest thoughts and make you want to be happy just because they are happy, and i am so thankfull there are so many of these people in my life.

i think they are the reason i try to be happy . because i want them to smile when they see me and i want to be happy with them.

a lot of crazy shit has happened in the last year and im really glad that the majority of people i know have stuck around even though i might have done some shitty things.

fuck… im really just rambling ….. im just spilling all the weird shit that has gotten lodged in side my head out onto this screen. and it doesnt really even make sense but its making me feel better.

it really fucking pisses me off when people think im one way when im not. when they say things like why they think you do things you do  or how you act or stuff like that and they are completely sure  that these things are fact. i hate people thinking they know me when they really fucking dont. i haven’t given anybody the time to know me. there’s only one person in the world who really knows whats going on in side my head and it isnt even me so i dont think its fair for other people to go and assume they can just put stupid labels on me.  people really dont care about getting to know other people at all.

another thing i hate is FUCKING  slut shaming!!! its bad coming from guys towards girls because if a guy had gone out and slept with the amount of people i had slept with he would be cool or whatever.  or at least nobody would care. but i think slut shaming is worse coming from girls . its so unpowering  to go up to another woman and tell them that you think they sleep with to many people . that just makes it okay for guys to say it as well and it really isnt okay. to be talked down to by your peers because you enjoy fucking sex. i shouldn’t feel ashamed now when i sleep with somebody i shouldn’t get a anxious feeling in my stomach after i have sex with a guy because im worried that people will talk about it and say im a slut.  it is completely unacceptable for a guy to call you the bike of the town, joking or not that shit fucking hurts.

it doesnt make any sense to me at all . i mainly surround myself with men i just get along with them more. and eventually the conversation is going to turn to sex, and when it does i sit there and listen to the guys i know talk about the girls i know and celebritys and all sorts , talking about their boobs and how they would like to fuck her this way or do this to her or whatever. and this happens all the time and i dont remark on it but if was to then say the same about a guy , it wouldnt be received with the same acceptance at all. its warped as fuck.

im actually in a pretty bad mood. i came here to write nice things about galway and how i would miss it and everybody there but instead ive gone off on about ten different tangents i dont think i even resolved  anything or had a point to half of what i was saying but who gives a flying fuck any way right ?

the littlest things in life

So after my last post being slightly heavy in content although it was needed, i think now ill write about something lighter. maybe this one will put a smile on your face and it might even remind you of all the little things we sometimes take for granted day to day.
some of these are silly , some of them are lovely and some of them might just be plain weird …. i don’t know .
comment with any i might have left out or some of your favourites ! 🙂

• That feeling of accomplishment when you get a cheese string and you make the string you peel off super skinny.
• Making somebody you know laugh so hard they snort, and then they laugh even harder because they snorted and it sends them into a endless cycle of snort-laughing
• painting the nails on the hand you don’t write with and getting them fucking perfect.
• Hugging your clothes when you take them out of the drier . because they are so god damn warm and smell like heaven.
• getting an email from a friend , and not a prince from Africa.
• popping bubble wrap (oldy but a goldy !)
• that feeling after you shave your legs and then get in bed and your sheets are all clean and fresh, closest thing to sleeping on a cloud made of silk.
• sandwiches made by other people are always better than sandwiches you made yourself
• realizing you washed all of your favourite clothes and you have so many choices of things to wear now !
• getting all the lyrics to your favorite Disney movie right
• making yourself toast and getting the toast-o-meter setting just right so it isn’t to bready but definitely not burnt
• falling in love with somebody and going from thinking the annoying things they do are now definitely just cute and quirky
• new stationary .
• stacking books that are different sizes in a perfect tower.
• re-arranging your room/kitchen.living room so well that you could probably be like 1# tetris champion of room re-arranging…
• filling a journal/drawing pad from front to back.
• getting the usb cable to go in on the first try… 😛
• stacking all the dishes on the drying side of the sink and not having to redo it because none of them slip .
• folding clothes into neat squares
• walking through a busy street while on your phone and still completely avoiding bumping into everybody
• walking past shops with open doors on cold days and having three seconds of super warm heat blasted at you
• standing up for yourself
• hugging people you know hate human contact
• people with interesting accents.
• talking on the phone with somebody for so long it feels weird to hang up on them so you just leave them on the other end while you go to sleep
• watching movies from your childhood and realizing how many dirty and inappropriate jokes you missed.
• when you expect a “no” but you get a “yes ” instead
• Being able to get to the front of the crowd at a gig with out begin elbowed in the face or spilling your drink . and then finding the perfect spot to put your drink down so you can dance
• that tone you get when you make the worlds best high five , and you weren’t even trying. cos you a pro bro
• when a child draws a picture of you and you don’t look like a monster with ten green legs coming out of your face.
• hearing a song that reminds you of somebody that makes you happy or brings back good memories and you smile the entire way though it.
• when you know the hot water in the shower is getting cold an you finish washing your hair just in time !
• falling asleep at the beginning of a really long journey and waking up just as you arrive at your destination.
• when all the dishes are really easy to clean.
• those silences that arent awkward. and sometimes better than talking
• people. with. dimples.
• those people who have like really unique eye colours
• wanting to take a photo of something and getting the photo you wanted on the first try even though it was actually pretty difficult to capture.
• When somebody you really miss tells you they missed you first .
• spelling that word that you always get wrong correctly on the first go.
• new socks. when i win the lotto im going to wear a pair of new socks everyday.
• picking one of the raindrops on your rainy window and racing the rest of them to the bottom.
• people with terrifying sneezes
• not having a stupid email address from when you were 13 and a complete twat
• when you get a text and you think its just meteor like always , because nobody loves you. but then you realize its a text from somebody saying they love you ! yeah :3
• people who have a good handshake . i hate people who initiate a hand shake but then it feels like you are trying to shake hands with a dead octopus
• when you send somebody a song because you think they will like and they do like it ” and thank you for sending it to them.
• getting your headphones the right way round for your ears first time.
• holding hands.
• when you say goodbye to somebody . and then they realize they dont have to leave for another hour/day/forever
• when you can sum up your entire days experiences in stickers and emojis and dont have to type one word …..
• when you walk up to a group of your friends and you are awkward and they all see you and wave and smile .
• cracking eggs into the frying pan and not getting any shell in there as well
• when the entire audience claps at the end of a good film in the cinema

So yeah there are some things i think are mostly non important but sometimes they just make my day.
xxxx
poppy

understanding depression

Okay…
so this blog post is a tough one for me to write. its about overcoming and living with depression. don’t read , do read i don’t care its more for me than you.
I wasn’t always depressed. I had a fairly great childhood. i mean there were bad times but i had a good family around me and lovely friends to help out when things got bad, and that’s what matters.
I left school after 6th class and from then i stayed at home , with my mother and brother and sister. we lived in the middle of the shticks in the beautiful country side but it was very secluded, we were lucky enough to have a fairly strong community though, there were other kids living on my road but when they started to go to secondary school and make new friends it was sometimes hard. i didnt have that. I never got the opportunity to make new friends until i moved to galway when i was 18.
im not complaining about the situation though because it was mostly my own choice and i would still do it all the same if given the opportunity i am just giving a bit of context.
If i wanted to see people i knew or go out it would involve a lot of effort, organizing lifts, places to stay and such. it became very easy to not be involved in social gatherings.
and then one day i decided i was going to electric picnic 09, i had just turned 18, and gotten a nice amount of money from my dole back pay so i said fuck and packed my bags and headed to the festival. I was pure innocent even then at 18 i didnt know drugs existed really, well besides from weed, and the bad stuff that i saw in movies … so when im sure all the people i met there were on drugs i wasnt , and stayed sober because i knew nothing more .
after the festival i hitch hiked back to galway because i had a few friends who had recently gotten a house there and i stayed with them for a few days to recuperate myself , my mind was blown , i had submerged myself in a massive pool of socializing … surrounded myself with thousands of people .
and i was hooked.

i stayed in galway for five days and by the end of that week i had gotten the last of my dole back pay and put a deposit down on a house with a girl id known for a few years. and was living in this house for 2 days before i had the sense to even ring home and tell my family i had moved into my first rented property and id be home soon to collect my things.
and thats where the partying started. every day was a crazy new adventure, i made hundreds of friends and was taking drugs and drinking every night. i started taking head store drugs and would take a gram a night easily and not sleep for days on end .i was on a roll.

i loved how the drugs made me so friendly and sociable . every body was my friend ! we all shared secrets and drama. and thats the way it was for months, but it did start to get bad for me , i found myself taking drugs to go to the shop or when i was out for coffee with friends so i could chat with them . i spent more time in bathroom stalls taking drugs than i did anything else.
all good things have to come to an end though and one day when i was doing out lines of speed i remember somebody passing a remark to me that i was like ” the girl who would always have a random bag of uppers no matter the situation ” that was almost 5 years ago and it still sticks with me today. thats what i was. my personality was drugs. there wasnt a real me anymore. it was just a chemically concocted smile and powdered emotions. i wasnt real….
so i stopped.
i stopped taking pills, k, speed, mc, and md and acid and i hit the biggest low of my life. i really went about it the wrong i believe, because i thought i could continue with my party life style , going out every night i compensated the lack of drugs with alcohol and it got pretty bad for a good while. i would get very violent and scream and cry at people and punch people all the time and my hands were often cut up from punching walls and smashing things. i couldnt control my emotions because for the first time since id moved to the city i was completely overflowing with them and they were all my own. i didnt know me.
so i stopped drinking . not completely but i slowed right down and began to come to terms with the fact that i was being selfish and self destructive towards my self and my friends. who thank god still stuck around !
And then was weeds turn. all this time i was still smoking and getting stoned almost 24/7 and i didnt really pay any heed to it. or what it might have been doing to my brain while all this other stuff was going on in my life. and now , once the drugs and the drink were mostly gone getting stoned became something i had to take a serious step back from because i realized it just wasnt for me . id notice i would never be on the same buzz as all my friends , when we would smoke they would become cheerful happy people and i would fall deeper and deeper in to my self . thinking worse and worse things. and i had no idea where all these horrible thoughts were coming from. why was i still struggling with such fluttering emotions all the time. so on my 19 or 20th birthday i quit smoking weed. cold turkey and it was one of the easiest things i have ever done! i never ever craved it . it was just gone from my life and suddenly i was back to being chatting and fun.

i know a lot of people dont have a problem with weed and i didnt for years and years but for me i believe my brain had not had a chance to fully develop i never had the right social chances growing up and spent a lot of my youth smoking weed and not talking to any body. so when i moved to galway i probably should have given my mind and body a few months to come to terms with the fact that if i left my house there wasnt going to be trees and silence i was going to be right in the action people everywhere . something ive never ever been used to.

i remember at the height of my drugs/drinking/smoking i met a psychic sitting in the park ,who read my palm and did my tarot cards most of it was pretty neither here nor there. but she told me that within the next couple of years i was going to stop what i was doing and completely change my life style , that i wouldnt be taking drugs and wouldnt smoke weed again…. i thought it was complete bullshit…. but then again some of the other stuff she said came true aswell. and it was some pretty harsh shit so i dunno… weird….
so this kind of brings me to now. or the last 4 years i suppose. i had kind of gotten my life on track only drinking in moderation. still not smoking and taking drugs on the rarest of occasions and actualling considering what i was putting in my body before doing aswell.
i guess i could say i was on the ball and had copped on . but something still wasnt right. i was going out with my first proper boyfriend and after a year we moved into our first house together. and i started to fall into a dark place.at my worst i would stay up until it was bright outside on the computer or just staring into the corner of the room, i wouldnt get out bed , i would make him go to the shop and buy me food. and i also became severely addicted to painkillers, sometimes going through a box of nurofen plus in a day or two. after a while he stopped buying them for me . i would throw massive tantrums where i would cry myself blue until i couldnt breath or i felt like vomiting. i would go to sleep crying and wake up crying . i cut myself . and when i couldnt get my painkillers from him it meant i had to go into town and get them myself . it was such a horrible experience. every person i walked passed i thought was laughing at me about how i looked or that something was wrong with me. if i didnt have headphones in i would often not make it to the end of my street and i would walk home again . i had to remember in my head witch pharmacy i had gone to recently because some of them wouldnt sell me the painkillers anymore. if i went days with out painkillers the panic attacks would start. id walk down the street and i would hear every persons foot steps . it was like i was inside a hd tv and the wind was trying to drag me into the sky. id have maybe 3 or 4 of these a day. sometimes i would fall dizzy .
i knew i was in a bad place. i wanted to kill myself . if it wasnt for my closest friends and boyfriend i would have aswell. parts of what happened are hard for me to talk about or even remember because i hardly slept. and i also had this massive misconception that i had to keep up appearances so when i was able i would still go out and hang out with people and pretend i was completely fine.
im not going to talk about when i tried to kill myself . there are people who know about it and people that were there for me and got me through the hardest hours.
eventually i stopped taking the codeine and painkillers and became a bit better. i began getting out of bed in the mornings . and talking to my mates again. and i started to make lots of new friends and making plans for the first time in ages and i really thought my life was getting back on track, i would brush of all the shit stuff and hide it away because i didnt want it to ruin anything and for a good year i was at the top of my game and loving life . but i could feel myself slipping again … i had broken up with my boy friend a few times and gotten back together with him. i was lieing to him about cutting myself and this was upsetting him. so i started going to counseling…..
i was prescribed antidepressants and i moved into my own apartment on my own . the first few weeks of the pills were the roughest ….. i was completely fried out of it. i didnt know if i was coming or going and was very susceptible to almost any thing people would suggest. i remember the first two days were so bad my body was in so much agony from the side effects i couldnt move and lay there in my bed and had to get my ex to come and stay to help me go to the bathroom. but mostly it was nothing i hadnt handled before. and as the days went on things got easier. i continued to go to the counselling and talk about my issues . i didnt always tell the truth though. i was afraid they would lock me up and i feel guilty about that to this day.
as the months rolled by i became the happiest i have ever been in myself . i made major life choices , cut ties with toxic parts of my past , dealt with major problems i had been hiding for years, i met the best group of people from leitrim and expanded my friend circle. i was completely open with everybody i met, if there was something going on in my life i would tell everybody, i wanted people to like me for who i was and whatever i might have gone through or being dealing with. and i know a lot of people really dont agree with taking antidepressants but for me they really worked and made me understand for the first time that i was mentally ill and had needed proper help for a long time. they made me know that the people around will help you if you let them in. and if they dont they aren’t true friends and you didnt need them .
i was on the anti depressants for maybe 9 months and in that time a met somebody new and moved into his house with him, i got a dog and i thought things were going really well. so i did something stupid. i stopped taking my pills. and i went from the top to the bottom like a fucking super rocket ! but something was different this time. i knew how to handle it . i was able to control it because id gone to counseling and id spent almost a year being healthy in my mind i was powerful! i could make myself balance my emotions. and i learnt how to deal with them.
im going to skip a big part of the story because i could go on for days.
but it involved, getting hooked on painkillers again. being ill a lot of the time. cutting again. but coming through it mostly in one piece.
currently i am still depressed. i still suffer from horrible panic attacks. but ive come a long way. from not understanding what was happening to my mind and trying to kill it with fire 😛 to being careful about what sort of situations i get myself into with people , drugs and life in general. i know what i can and cant handle.

i am single . well mostly. because i dont think i could handle having somebody love me. i think you have to learn to love yourself before you let somebody else become part of your life . because i know i would just abuse that relationship i need to know i can do everything for myself . i have to be indipendant . i still accept a lot of help from my friends but there are some things i have to do on my own and sometimes i slip up and do stupid shit. but i know ive got the potential to become an amazing human being and every day i mesh and mold my self into something better and i try harder and harder to be happy and content in who i am.

and even on one of my bad days, when i dont want to look at anybody , when i sit in the corner of a room full of people and i dont want to talk to anybody . i still remember . that theres been worse and there will be BETTER !
im not writing this for pity. because ive had that . i been the pity whore. and that is just as bad as taking drugs. looking for pity is addictive. its horrible. and you sometimes dont even realize you are doing it until its too late. you go out and you know you arent in the right head space to be around people and you say horrible stuff about yourself so you can hear them say nice stuff back and its an addictive fucking looping game of self destruction.
dont rely on other people to tell you that you are a good/kind/hot/beautiful person.
dont look for love from others . get it from yourself . tell yourself you are beautiful and love yourself and go out and have a good fucking time .

so any way….. ive come a long way. and ive dealt with a lot of crazy shit. what i have written isnt even the half of it. a lot of stuff is going to go unsaid because it doesnt need to be rehashed.
im saying this to anybody right now who is depressed or feeling shit about themselves. you are your own person and you create what others see about you. make yourself happy . it works. you have to learn to understand what you can and cannot handle . just because all your friends might go out every night and take drugs does not mean that it will suit you.

just because your best friend seems to be the happiest person in the world does not mean that you have to be aswell. everything in moderation. test lifes boundaries but be careful and always care for your mind soul and body because you only get one. love it for what it is and nurture it until it blossoms into something you can be proud to be .

anyway im sorry if this seems like a really long stupid post . of ramblings and bullshit…
but i think its important to let these things go and talk about them.

and it might seem like there  was a lot of bad sutff… but that is because i am writing about the bad  stuff. but i guess it all only filled one blog post, if i was to write a post about all the good stuff i dont think id ever be able to stop typing, because mostly life is fucking awesome!!!!

xxxx

poppy

Childhood memories

Today I sold the last advanced ticket for Puzzle presents JOE FORD in kellys.

I am so completely and absolutely excited for the gig , all week its all ive been thinking about, I think its really cool that we have such a great night out to go to in galway , I mean there is always the roisin or the factory but you always end up standing around in the smoking area , that gets old very fast. but when theres nothing else to do ….

Kelsey got me an eye shadow pallet for Christmas and i hadnt used it because to be honest eye shadow scares the fuck out of me, every time i put it on i think i look like either a clown or a hooker. so today in an attempt to do my eye make up beyond mascara and liner i put on some dark blue shadow and after an hour fighting with the powder trying to get it to stay in the right place i went into town, i was wearing my new contact lenses as well… so no glasses to hide behind…. the first thing kelsey said to me when she saw me was ” do you have a black eye!?!?” so yeah….. eye shadow might not be for everybody… also i think i might be allergic to it cos motherfuck do my eyes hurt now, had to wash it all off…haha

I recently got all my old bebo photos back and it was so much fun to go through them all, to remember being such a silly teenager, spending my days running around the country side  causing havoc and probably almost dieing every other day. but we had fun!

or sneaking off in kinvara over some wall somewhere to smoke fags and drink cans… thems were the days.

it was really interesting to see how much everybody has changed as well, we all look so grown up … I dont feel like ive grown up that much since then though … I do miss being in the country side though, being able to walk around the fields and notice if something had changed, recognizing hedges and rocks for the ones you have seen for the last 17 years and know if something was out of place, everything was so fresh. there was something magical about being surrounded by tall trees , endless rocky lands and fields full of flowers ,instead of big grey buildings, thousands of people everywhere and everything being so.. disconnected. in the burren if you went out for a walk and bumped into a stranger (most likely a tourist ) it was awesome , you would walk around with them telling them crazy storys and showing them your hide outs

.

I remember one afternoon, when we were pretty young all the kids on the road were playing in the triangle , (it was like this triangular patch of land between two country roads where we would often meet and play games ) There was two or three big army trucks parked along the side of the road, and there were maybe 30 or so training army people, out for a day of I dont know, running up mountains or picking u big rocks or something and we all hounded the hell out of them , climbing all over the trucks , playing with their guns, getting turns with their night vision goggles and binoculars , they even gave us space food to try ! im sure we talked about this for days and told every body in school all about this .

on one hot summers day my brother and his friends gathered together and collected all the scrap wood and nails and paint they could find and build a sturdy little stall, and sold bottles of water and sweets on the side of the road to the tourists that used to swarm around to walk up the mountains . it was such a  novelty for both pere and his friends and for the tourists ! 

Well thats it for now… just some old memories I thought I should document . because none of us are going to be younger tomorrow.

xxxx

poppy